One Degree of Elijah Wood

I've had the plague for the last few days. I don't know what's been going around, but it's clamped its vicious teeth into me much like Tyson during the infamous "ear incident." (Yeah, when was the last time you heard a good Mike Tyson joke? Apparently not today, since that was awful. Blame it on the Theraflu.)
But the point is...I've been holed up inside my house, shuffling around in my super tight yoga pants that no one outside of my family will ever see me in, trying to find something to occupy my disease riddled body. So last night, I began watching the A&E version of "Pride & Prejudice" (don't even get me started on the Keira Knightley version. I will literally kill you. Literally? No, not literally. What's wrong with you?) right after finishing the "Fellowship of the Ring." And as my sister and I were watching, we came to the sudden realization that nearly every single person looks like Elijah Wood.
No. Stop and think about it.
Here's a reminder about what Elijah looks like:

















Moving on to "P&P"

Mr. Bingley? Check.















"I'm sorry, Bingley, I just can't look at you when you make that Elijah Wood face..."

Jane, the Bennet who entices Bingley (probably because they look like twins)? Check.











"I love my new twin bro- uh husband."



Daniel Radcliffe (who definitely isn't in "P&P")? Check.


















"Harry Potter could take down Frodo any day, you hobbit!"

This is just a brief sampling from the minds of The Sick and her sister.
Is there anyone else you can think of?
And no. Keira Knightley will never be included in this list.

If You're Creepy and You Know It Raise Your Hand

Ahhh Spring. When a young man's character turns to creepy.

They hoot and holler.
They bark and call...er.

These young caterpillars emerge from Winter hibernation in their new form.
Worms.
Creepy, crawly, icky worms that I would like to squash on the street corners they hang out on.

In distaste for these creatures, I have compiled a list of my favorite creepies from the land of Hollywood, each with their own take on creepy.

1. "I will make you my pet"
Crispin Glover as Willard Stiles
I don't think this needs further explanation. Who wants to wake up to this every morning? Although you probably would get fed lots of cheese, which I love...



















2. "I like to grovel and not shower"
Mr. Collins from the A&E Pride & Prejudice mini-series
Seen below in his signature shushing move:













"Shuuuussshhh, Mr. Collins."

3. "I don't mind making human sacrifices while playing the ukulele in tulip fields"
Tiny Tim

























"Oops, did I just kill the person whose grave I'm now standing on? Tee-hee! *twang twang*"

4. "I love my mother. Oh, and I'll kill you."
Norman Bates from "Psycho"
The real issue I have with Norman isn't the fact that he kills people. This guy has serious mother issues! I mean he takes "Momma's Boy" to a whole new level! Poor Norman. It's not his fault his mother coddled him as a child.




















I don't find this owl creepy. Just charmingly bizarre.

5. "All of my thoughts, actions, and orifices are dirty"
Pick any character any of these guys have ever played in any movie.
Except Paul Rudd. I find myself attracted to his nerdy roles.
Oh shut up.















"We're all thinking dirty thoughts...rawrrr..."

6. "I like to slither around and be overly effeminate while making awkward comments."
John Corbett as Pastor Dan in "Raising Helen"
or as Ian Miller in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"
or as Lars Hammond in "Serendipity"
or as John Corbett in "Real Life"

The worst part is that as I was looking for pictures, Google suggested "John Corbett shirtless."
Bleh! Seriously?? People seriously want to see this guy shirtless??














"I'm a sexy man of God, and I know it."

7. "No, not now. I'm brooding."
Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen
I realize I'm opening a can of worms with this one, but let me explain.
Book Edward is well-spoken, sweet, and clever.
Movie Edward is awkward, brooding, over-protective, and just plain weird.
I have no desire to ever be your spider monkey.

People really find this attractive?





















"I knew I forgot something when I got dressed this morning! At least I remembered my sexy wristband and hair product. "

My choice out of all of these?
Willard. I've always loved rats. Plus he would feed me cheese. How could that possibly go wrong?

Easter Dinner: Muskie With a Side of Crazy

I realize most people have crazy families. Or at least, they think their families are crazy, when in reality, if they spent even an hour at my house, they would go home crying to their completely normal mummies and daddies.

Case in Point: Easter 2010.
Sunday's schedule went a bit like this:

5:45 am--Wake up for Sunrise Service
6:20 am--Arrive at park and lug around heavy chairs
6:30 am--Drink coffee while wrapped in blanket at service
7:30 am--Eat continental breakfast. Finish. Eat more. Drink more coffee.
9:00 am--Church. Feel shaky from coffee overdose.
11:30 am--Nap time.
11:50 am--Wake up from excessive kitchen noise from parents. Go out and shoot daggers at them with my eyes.
11:52 am--Eat. Clang dishes around angrily from being woken up.
12:30 pm--Go back to sleep.
1:00 pm--Wake up. Eat more.
2:30 pm--Start listening to 102.1 KNCI, the classical music station online. Turn it ALL the way up and distract family from reading newspaper when the theme song to "The Magnificent Seven" comes on.
2:31 pm--Begin searching Western theme songs on YouTube for the next half hour with my family. Dancing and hopping and off-key singing ensues.
3:45 pm--Dinner with friends at Spaghetti Factory. Sister and I loudly discuss ultimate murder plan. Effectively weird out our waitress. Leave with all our silverware stabbed in the loaf of bread.
5:00 pm--Go home to play games. (I may mention that this family that is with us is nearly as insane as my family).
5:30 pm--Dye eggs (pictures to follow in future blog).
6:00 pm--Get killed in Mafia as an act of revenge. Like I said then...THIS ISN'T OVER.
9:00 pm--Eat more candy.
10:00 pm--Complain that it isn't late enough to go to sleep yet.
10:15 pm--Go to sleep.

Pretty typical day.
The following conversation occurred sometime after the Western hi-jinx and before dinner.
Just imagine the respective theme songs from "Gunsmoke" and "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" playing in the background...

The Sister's Boyfriend casually mentions being scared of sharks...

Mom: The girls are scared of sharks in lakes too.
Kelly: There are such things as freshwater sharks!
Mom: But they don’t attack!
Kelly: Yeah they DO! "Jaws" was based on Bull Shark attacks in freshwater rivers!
Dad: Yeah but it was a Great White.
Kelly: No! They were Bull Sharks! "Jaws" was based on Bull Sharks that attacked and killed people in freshwater rivers in New Jersey! I saw it on the Discovery or History Channel or something. That means it's reliable.
Dad: Yeah but… it was a Great White.
Mom: No...in lakes, it’s the muskie you gotta look out for.
Sister: Muskie?! What! Who has ever died from a muskie attack? You think muskie will attack and kill you?
Mom: They won’t but they might mistake your toe for something! And nibble on them. Kelly, look it up.
Kelly: Did you just say they nibble at your toes?
Mom: Yeah. I did.
Sister: Oh yeah mom? Have they nibbled at YOUR toes?
Mom: No. But they like to go for the phalanges.
Sister: So they just think “Hmm, I’m going to go for these roots attached to this branch.”
Dad: They have razor sharp teeth!
Annnnnd scene.

I think we learned a valuable lesson from this: My family says the word "Yeah" way more than is appropriate.

Muskie:
(I'm never going swimming again. Anywhere. Ever.)














Muskie Bite:
(This is just too disgusting for the weak of heart and stomach to embed)
Chomp

Thuh-ree Peeeas???

In honor of it being the 3rd day of the week and the 30th day of the 3rd month of the year which when divided by 3 twice equals 223. 333333333333333333333333333333 etc...):

(I don't know a better way to start this out than with these three dynamos)

(Nuuummmmmaanngghhhh!!!*crunch*)

According to a study done by the World Health Organization in Geneva, nearly one-third of children around the world spend at least three hours or more in front of the computer or watching television.

I find that absolutely preposterous. I certainly haven't been on the computer all day searching for interesting information on the number three while simultaneously catching up on the third season of Chuck.

Crap. I just dropped three of my chips. Now I don't have any left in the Jumbo-Sized bag I opened three hours ago when I started writing this...

(Check out 3:00 minus 0:08)
(And no, I do not endorse swears)

(Why do I not have one [or three] of these???)

One-Third of Relationships Have a Digi-Snoop, and Ladies Are the Worst
What the heck! No one electronically snoops on their partner! Believe me, I would know. No boyfriend I ever had did that.

And I made sure to check their emails, text messages, and call/browser histories, so I know for a fact that that fraction is just not accurate.




I'm really struggling with which Sesame Street clip to end with. They all seem equally bizarre and fantastic.
Ergo...
Choose your own adventure:

Yes, That is Stockard Channing.
Thuh-ree Peeeas???
1 Case of Animal Cruelty Concerning 3 Dogs

Have a three-rific day today.

Go climb a three and listen to the birds three-t!

Until next time kiddos...
Keep it three-l

And three-s don't kill me for these terrible puns.

Tyra Tyra Tyra

Apparently the Brooke Shields Brow is back.













And I've missed it for the last 3 weeks! WHAT! Where have i BEEN!?

For the rest of you who missed it, America's Next Top Model started Cycle 14.

How do you even begin to describe this show?
How do you encapsulate the ethereal train-wreck of a show that it is?

It's like playing an early 90's board game that has a bunch of bizarre rules and tasks that you, as a child, completely accept.

(Jumpin' Monkeys, anyone?)

It's like watching a cheerleader mental institution through glass walls.

It's like absolute perfection.

For those of you haven't seen it:
Tall, emaciated, dramatic women who fight and sometimes model

For those of you who have seen it:
I'm pretty sure Angelea would have fit in pretty well back in Cycle 1 when everyone was from the ghetto. (And how did she get back on the show?)

("I cain't go back to Buffalo, I cain't...")

My favorite so far:
Jessica. She's adorable. (But will she be more than just a pretty pageant face? Is she a real model? Can she overcome her resemblance to Bree Turner and Judy Greer?)

Way to start this cycle off with a bang, Tyra.

(This doesn't look like any human sacrifice I've ever seen.)

Roarin' Good Fun!

This girl isn't actually playing Skip It. Her parents tied this as a weight around her ankle to keep her from running away. Here, we see her falling backwards, trying to escape.

I sometimes sing songs from commercials no one else remembers.

Case in Point

I would like to have a study done of all children who used the Skip It on a daily basis.
I have a feeling they're the ones who veer towards you while you're walking next to them, due to extreme muscle build-up in only one leg.

Raising a generation of future freaks, one child at a time.
Well done, Tiger Toys.
Well done.

Blogging-- Take 2

I know. We were really hot and heavy for awhile. Things cool off, though. It's just natural. But I'm back now. And I hope you can take me back. Because honestly...
I've missed you.
Really.
Take me back?
Please?

Well...I'll be here. Waiting. Writing.

Playing SECRET AGENT BARBIE!
So I was sitting at the computer the other day, and I glance over to my right and a pile of CD-Roms catch my eye (A. who uses CD-Roms anymore? B. Bright Pink!). And sitting on top of Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune is Secret Agent Barbie.
I try not to get too excited, since I don't even know if it will be compatible with our newer computer.
So I pop the CD in....and it runs.
I can't even explain my exultation.

I may or may not have played for over an hour.

But I'm not ashamed. I mean, in what other game do you get to change outfits in the middle of New York City in order to go from Adventure mode to Stealth mode just to hop over a crate.

Excellent.

On a related note...Since when is Teresa a Cullen?
Yes, that's me in the super groovy pink shirt)