Still on the Farm

Farm Bloggerilla

This was quite possibly one of the worst experiences of my life.
And now I have a bad reputation.
At least I don't have to worry about being attacked by those chickens with their dangerous beaks since they're probably (hopefully) scared of me since I'm totally a murderer now.

My life is NOT turning out the way I wanted.
This is NOT who I wanted to be when I grew up.

This is NOT the rooster I want haunting me in my sleep:

(or this guy, for that matter)

P.s. I searched "rooster ghost" and came up with nothing. Am I really the only one scared of poultrygeists?

Please don't hurt me.

Bang Bang Chop Chop

I'm in the middle of bangs detox.
I periodically go through these phases where I lust for the long grown-out locks of the likes of Kesha (I refuse to use the $. I'm just a rebel like that) and Mischa Barton. I imagine myself blonde, flinging my hair back into the wind, causing boys to fall at my feet in awe and wonder.

Shhh...Don't tell Kelly she'll never look like me.

But then I inevitably fail and chop my bangs off before I even have the chance to morph into someone I'm not and never will be. And oftentimes, I hack them off in a rage of urgent desire, making them all crooked and far too thick.

This time I'm determined. They're grown out to just above my lip (insert mustache joke here).

But I've got the itch.

I keep gazing longingly into the mirror, only half-heartedly enjoying the progress of my bangs grow-out.
I want to cut them.
Badly.
I need to be stopped.
Hopefully the fact that my hands are shaking from withdrawals will deter me from attempting to cut my hair.
At least for now.

Yet Another Thing to Start and Not Finish

I've been lame about blogging.
But here's the point.
I've started a new one with Dana about my house-sitting adventures on the farm.

Out on Fenner Farm

Netflix Will Abduct Your Taste Level

I hate to brag (pfft) but I'm somewhat of a movie aficionado, as Hemingway would say (although in this case, I'm passionate about any mind-melting media rather than bull fights).
So as I pulled up Netflix to see what was new in the Television Show section, I noticed a few things that I feel need to be shared with you.
1. Let me give you a fraction and you guess to what it refers. 19/39
Correct. 19/39 new TV shows recommended for me were "Barney" videos. Another 10 or so were "Bob the Builder." "Dr. Who" and "Bonanza" got thrown in for good measure, because, come on, you've got to be a well-rounded person right?

2. "Ken Burns' The Shakers"
Here's the little blurb about it:
"Acclaimed documentary filmmaker Ken Burns directs this look at the unique religion and the peaceful and productive pastimes the Shakers practice on a daily basis. In this engrossing exploration of a little-known part of American culture, Burns brings to life the history, politics, and dynamic personalities that made the Shaker phenomenon possible -- and that make it symbolic of all that America is and was."

Interesting that summary-writer-guy wrote "practice" in the present tense. He doesn't mention the fact that the Shakers DIED OUT because they believed in celibacy FOR LIFE. I'm pretty sure that's the opposite of productive. Who the heck wrote this summary anyway? Stephen Glass? That person should get paid bank for bolstering the Shakers' reputation up to at least minutely significant. Wait, what's he trying to say by them being "symbolic" of America anyway?

3. "A Program About Unusual Buildings & Other Roadside Stuff"
This one was a real contender. There's a giant swan-shaped building on the cover.

4. Winner: "Where Are All the UFOs?"
I'm currently still watching this one. 21 minutes into it and one woman has already claimed that a government official beat her with a nightstick to keep her from talking about aliens.
Highlight from 1960 film footage:

Interviewee: "They told me that language is no barrier to them anywhere. They can speak any language."
Reporter: "So they told you that in English?
Interviewee: "Yes."
Reporter: "What were their clothes like?"
Interviewee: "The women had a radiant red box-pleated skirt, and a black velvet-appearing blouse, and a black and red tam--or beret-- and the men had clothes very similar to our Greyhound Bus drivers."

Thank you for that insightful fashion update, Joan Rivers.

I won't ruin the rest for you. You just need to watch it.

Plus it's on the History Channel, so...it's gotta be true, right?

They Say It's My Birthday

Well what are all of you little celebrity friends doing her-Oh! You're going to sing! Hurray!


Oh stop...Stop it! Seriously...Oh you guys...


Elvis! I knew you were still alive somewhere! I knew all it would take was an EXTREMELY IMPORTANT EVENT to get you to come out of hiding!


Wait Marilyn...I think you're confusing me with someon-Did he say prostitudinous?



Thank you, Satan. You don't know how much it means to me that we can put our differences aside for today, of all days--my birthday.

Happy Birthday, Me. I hope it's full of narcissism and cake. Lots and lots of cake.
Thank you!
Oh you're welcome.
Do you want me to get you some more coffee?
Oh could you please?
Absolutely!
It's our birthday after all!
Oops. I spilled some.
THE PRESSSSSSSSSHHHHHUSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh. Uh Ok. Well. Uh Happy...Birthday... I guess...I'll just get going then...





Apparently 22 is the age I lose my mind. Or maybe scare it away.
Just back off the coffee and we'll all be ok.

This Just In...

Deep in Yarumal, Colombia...
Out from the Andes mountains skulks a new killer.
And no it's not the Yeti.

(which..hello...there is totally valid proof for. See above. )

Alzheimer's.

Apparently Alzheimer's is no longer content to wait out in caves, swooping down only on the old and decrepit. Nono. It has now gained the ability to stalk an entire family.

Stalk.
Stalk.
Stalk.

Like Ted Bundy. Or Mark David Chapman.

The worst part is that even if you know Alzy Alzheimer is stalking you, you'll completely forget after he latches onto your brain and sucks out your memory like a voracious succubus.

But never fear.

One brave Yarmuliulian (that's what they should be called anyway) family is fighting back. "Now, the Colombian clan is center stage in a potentially groundbreaking assault on Alzheimer’s." Armed with rage and no hope, this family is taking on the ultimate villain in the battle of the century.
Not all the clan is on board with the fight, however. One defeatist son says he will poison himself if he gets Alzheimer's.
Well good luck remembering to do it after Alzy takes you over.

Oh wait. I just read this in the article.
"Large families, and intermarriage, have accelerated the spread."

Well way to go guys! Feeding the monster yourselves! Don't you know you can't do that? They start out all cute and innocent

...and then Suddenly Seymour is giving blood to feed his monster. Bing Bang Boom. Done.
Oh yeah and the monster eats people.
This is your fault, incestuous Yarmuliulians. Stop intermarriage-ing and see what happens. Seriously.