Damn You, Emmys

Today, I will be playing the part of an 80 year old woman, ranting at the world for spoiling all future generations through its LAMENESS.
Yes, I will still be using the word "lame" when I'm 80.

Since the Emmys have decided to pound the final nail in the TV theme song coffin, I'm revolting.
I was initially going to compile my list of best TV themes ever, but that turned out to be too daunting. And once I'd re-watched the Magnum P.I. one I would have been too distracted with Tom Selleck's shortshorts and sexy moustache to continue.

Hence...My favorite theme songs from the 90's (with maybe a little 80's sneaked in):


This show was awesome to begin with. What kid doesn't love a show about other kids who live at camp and never see their parents. I love how the bully is a hardcore red-headed mullet wearer. Yeeps. Look out. Plus, I totally had a crush on Pinsky.



I never watched this show unless I was feeling super BA. That was obviously a bad idea, because this intro still scares the freaking crap out of me. I couldn't even watch it all the way through. YES, ok! I AM afraid of the dark!!!


I always felt incredibly hip and urban when I watched this show opening, with its crazy piano...riffs. Oh gosh. I can't even pretend. I'm incredibly white. But I totally had a crush on Urkel. Don't even try to deny his sex appeal when he became Stefan. I just always imagined him thereafter whipping off his red class, snapping his suspenders, and becoming bad boy Stefan...Oh shut up.


This is the version I remember most. It's kind of like "Friends Jr." for those of us who weren't allowed to watch the actual "Friends." Plus I totally had a crush on Eric, and sometimes Shawn, and on rare occasions, Cory. Eric's oafishness and floppy hair was just so stinking cute. Like a puppy. Which is what I should have been more interested when I was 9.


I. Loved. This. Show. She's probably the reason I dress the way I do now (like I have a serious injury that requires a bandana tourniquet around one leg). I don't remember having a crush on anybody in this show (I probably did) but I do remember when she died her eyebrows orange because she was crushing on an older man whose favorite color was orange. Get it girl.


I'm just going to start with the fact that I crushed on Zack the entire time. I think it's probably because his on-again-off-again gf was named Kelly, and hello, that's my like name, and we're both like sooo totally hot. I even had the wooshy bangs that I could sweep back with my fingers just like she did.


I don't remember watching this show, but I still know the theme song. It has obvious staying power if it can seep into my brain through osmosis.


There were no videos for this one, so I had to settle for only the track. But just imagine her flinging words out of her fingers and kicking things in her super tight black leggings. Or was it a unitard?


This isn't the theme song, but it might as well have been. I especially love Sharon's shovel crotch before she drops it.

Ones I purposely didn't mention due to overexposure (plus, it's my blog so I can do whatever the heck I want):
Step-by-Step
Friends
Full House
Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Anything else that starts with an F. Oh get your minds out of the gutter.

Ones I wanted to include but couldn't find:
Growing Pains. Just let me say, it's G-rowing Pains, not Rowing Pains, like I had originally thought. Until about 3 years ago.
Hey, Dude (Christine Taylor was in this?! WHAT?!)
Doug. All I could find was the lame Disney version.

And a little something to leave you with

I especially love her faux waders.

What shows have I missed?

Dewey Tuesday

Tuesdays will henceforth be deemed "Dewey Tuesday" in honor of the inexorable Melvil Dewey of Dewey Decimal fame. Tuesdays will thereby be dedicated to the sole purpose of education and the rejuvenation of the mind.

And I will type in a British accent. (If you play the music while reading, it will aide in imagining that my British accent doesn't keep veering off into Australian.)

Today, we will examine the Romans as viewed by precocious elementary school children for a class project.


Scene 1

Brian: Unlike the Greeks, both boys and girls went to school in Rome. When a boy turned 16 he was given a citizen’s toga and his first shave. This is the story about a not so brilliant boy who becomes a great gladiator. This scene takes place during the ceremony in which the boy becomes a man.

Drew: Ouch! You just cut me!

Kelly: Sorry, but there’s always a cut or two in the first shave.

Drew: Sure

Kelly: (After finishing) Ah, you look great, now here’s your toga.

Drew: (Putting on his toga) Yes, now I can become a gladiator…….. Ah now the Great Sal Ami is in his Togo’s!

Kelly: It’s called a toga.

Drew: Togo’s, toga, whatever

Jenny: The government of Rome was smart. They knew that if the people were not occupied they would cause trouble. So, they set up brutal fights between gladiators to entertain the people. This is Sal’s first battle against the Great Turk Ey.

Scene 2

Drew: You shall die you swine!

Kelly: Not likely. (lunging at Sal)
(They fight)

Brian: Needless to say, he won that battle and many more after that. But, finally he met his "match" in the Great Pas Trami.

Scene 3
Pas Trami and Sal Ami fight until Sal dies.

Kelly or Brian: Sal met an honorable end to his life.

Fin.


(P.s. Yes we did mean "match" in that way)

A Dragon Lives Forever But Not So Little Girls

I'm procrastinating big time. I have to be at class in like 2 1/2 hours and I'm still trying to figure out something else to do. I can't find a jump rope and the squirrels keep running away when I try to talk to them. Ergo, blog time.

Well, I was stuck for what I could possibly write about that wouldn't cause me to repeatedly bang my head against the keyboard when I go back to read it a week from now, when the most amazing thing happened. I started working on my papers that are due.

Whaaaaaaat?

This has never happened before. It's always the other way around. I'm stuck on my paper so I use my blog as a distraction.
Is this what it feels like to be an adult (pronounced ah-dolt)?
Am I becoming a mature contributor to the society we call "Life"?
I wasn't prepared for this! I'm supposed to have a few more good years left in me still! This wasn't supposed to happen for at least a few more months when I graduate!
But all the signs are here.
I'm drinking coffee (black...we'll talk about what I think of you sugar/cream ninnies later), wearing glasses, and working on my resume'. All I'm missing is one of my dumbbell cats sitting on my lap to cement my adulthood (aka Crazy Cat Lady-ness).

AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been aimlessly searching around the house for some sign that I've not yet crossed over. But alas and alack. Nothing. "Alas and alack"??????????

This is the end.

Do adults even write blogs? My dad is constantly mocking mine...maybe it's true.
Even the identity crisis I'm currently facing is incredibly adult!

Well kids and kittens, I guess that's it.
Rufio has drawn the line in the sand and I'm stuck with Peter Banning pre-Peter Pan transformation.

Excuse me while I curl up in an incredibly adult fetal position and cry.

One Degree of Elijah Wood

I've had the plague for the last few days. I don't know what's been going around, but it's clamped its vicious teeth into me much like Tyson during the infamous "ear incident." (Yeah, when was the last time you heard a good Mike Tyson joke? Apparently not today, since that was awful. Blame it on the Theraflu.)
But the point is...I've been holed up inside my house, shuffling around in my super tight yoga pants that no one outside of my family will ever see me in, trying to find something to occupy my disease riddled body. So last night, I began watching the A&E version of "Pride & Prejudice" (don't even get me started on the Keira Knightley version. I will literally kill you. Literally? No, not literally. What's wrong with you?) right after finishing the "Fellowship of the Ring." And as my sister and I were watching, we came to the sudden realization that nearly every single person looks like Elijah Wood.
No. Stop and think about it.
Here's a reminder about what Elijah looks like:

















Moving on to "P&P"

Mr. Bingley? Check.















"I'm sorry, Bingley, I just can't look at you when you make that Elijah Wood face..."

Jane, the Bennet who entices Bingley (probably because they look like twins)? Check.











"I love my new twin bro- uh husband."



Daniel Radcliffe (who definitely isn't in "P&P")? Check.


















"Harry Potter could take down Frodo any day, you hobbit!"

This is just a brief sampling from the minds of The Sick and her sister.
Is there anyone else you can think of?
And no. Keira Knightley will never be included in this list.

If You're Creepy and You Know It Raise Your Hand

Ahhh Spring. When a young man's character turns to creepy.

They hoot and holler.
They bark and call...er.

These young caterpillars emerge from Winter hibernation in their new form.
Worms.
Creepy, crawly, icky worms that I would like to squash on the street corners they hang out on.

In distaste for these creatures, I have compiled a list of my favorite creepies from the land of Hollywood, each with their own take on creepy.

1. "I will make you my pet"
Crispin Glover as Willard Stiles
I don't think this needs further explanation. Who wants to wake up to this every morning? Although you probably would get fed lots of cheese, which I love...



















2. "I like to grovel and not shower"
Mr. Collins from the A&E Pride & Prejudice mini-series
Seen below in his signature shushing move:













"Shuuuussshhh, Mr. Collins."

3. "I don't mind making human sacrifices while playing the ukulele in tulip fields"
Tiny Tim

























"Oops, did I just kill the person whose grave I'm now standing on? Tee-hee! *twang twang*"

4. "I love my mother. Oh, and I'll kill you."
Norman Bates from "Psycho"
The real issue I have with Norman isn't the fact that he kills people. This guy has serious mother issues! I mean he takes "Momma's Boy" to a whole new level! Poor Norman. It's not his fault his mother coddled him as a child.




















I don't find this owl creepy. Just charmingly bizarre.

5. "All of my thoughts, actions, and orifices are dirty"
Pick any character any of these guys have ever played in any movie.
Except Paul Rudd. I find myself attracted to his nerdy roles.
Oh shut up.















"We're all thinking dirty thoughts...rawrrr..."

6. "I like to slither around and be overly effeminate while making awkward comments."
John Corbett as Pastor Dan in "Raising Helen"
or as Ian Miller in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"
or as Lars Hammond in "Serendipity"
or as John Corbett in "Real Life"

The worst part is that as I was looking for pictures, Google suggested "John Corbett shirtless."
Bleh! Seriously?? People seriously want to see this guy shirtless??














"I'm a sexy man of God, and I know it."

7. "No, not now. I'm brooding."
Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen
I realize I'm opening a can of worms with this one, but let me explain.
Book Edward is well-spoken, sweet, and clever.
Movie Edward is awkward, brooding, over-protective, and just plain weird.
I have no desire to ever be your spider monkey.

People really find this attractive?





















"I knew I forgot something when I got dressed this morning! At least I remembered my sexy wristband and hair product. "

My choice out of all of these?
Willard. I've always loved rats. Plus he would feed me cheese. How could that possibly go wrong?

Easter Dinner: Muskie With a Side of Crazy

I realize most people have crazy families. Or at least, they think their families are crazy, when in reality, if they spent even an hour at my house, they would go home crying to their completely normal mummies and daddies.

Case in Point: Easter 2010.
Sunday's schedule went a bit like this:

5:45 am--Wake up for Sunrise Service
6:20 am--Arrive at park and lug around heavy chairs
6:30 am--Drink coffee while wrapped in blanket at service
7:30 am--Eat continental breakfast. Finish. Eat more. Drink more coffee.
9:00 am--Church. Feel shaky from coffee overdose.
11:30 am--Nap time.
11:50 am--Wake up from excessive kitchen noise from parents. Go out and shoot daggers at them with my eyes.
11:52 am--Eat. Clang dishes around angrily from being woken up.
12:30 pm--Go back to sleep.
1:00 pm--Wake up. Eat more.
2:30 pm--Start listening to 102.1 KNCI, the classical music station online. Turn it ALL the way up and distract family from reading newspaper when the theme song to "The Magnificent Seven" comes on.
2:31 pm--Begin searching Western theme songs on YouTube for the next half hour with my family. Dancing and hopping and off-key singing ensues.
3:45 pm--Dinner with friends at Spaghetti Factory. Sister and I loudly discuss ultimate murder plan. Effectively weird out our waitress. Leave with all our silverware stabbed in the loaf of bread.
5:00 pm--Go home to play games. (I may mention that this family that is with us is nearly as insane as my family).
5:30 pm--Dye eggs (pictures to follow in future blog).
6:00 pm--Get killed in Mafia as an act of revenge. Like I said then...THIS ISN'T OVER.
9:00 pm--Eat more candy.
10:00 pm--Complain that it isn't late enough to go to sleep yet.
10:15 pm--Go to sleep.

Pretty typical day.
The following conversation occurred sometime after the Western hi-jinx and before dinner.
Just imagine the respective theme songs from "Gunsmoke" and "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" playing in the background...

The Sister's Boyfriend casually mentions being scared of sharks...

Mom: The girls are scared of sharks in lakes too.
Kelly: There are such things as freshwater sharks!
Mom: But they don’t attack!
Kelly: Yeah they DO! "Jaws" was based on Bull Shark attacks in freshwater rivers!
Dad: Yeah but it was a Great White.
Kelly: No! They were Bull Sharks! "Jaws" was based on Bull Sharks that attacked and killed people in freshwater rivers in New Jersey! I saw it on the Discovery or History Channel or something. That means it's reliable.
Dad: Yeah but… it was a Great White.
Mom: No...in lakes, it’s the muskie you gotta look out for.
Sister: Muskie?! What! Who has ever died from a muskie attack? You think muskie will attack and kill you?
Mom: They won’t but they might mistake your toe for something! And nibble on them. Kelly, look it up.
Kelly: Did you just say they nibble at your toes?
Mom: Yeah. I did.
Sister: Oh yeah mom? Have they nibbled at YOUR toes?
Mom: No. But they like to go for the phalanges.
Sister: So they just think “Hmm, I’m going to go for these roots attached to this branch.”
Dad: They have razor sharp teeth!
Annnnnd scene.

I think we learned a valuable lesson from this: My family says the word "Yeah" way more than is appropriate.

Muskie:
(I'm never going swimming again. Anywhere. Ever.)














Muskie Bite:
(This is just too disgusting for the weak of heart and stomach to embed)
Chomp