One Degree of Elijah Wood

I've had the plague for the last few days. I don't know what's been going around, but it's clamped its vicious teeth into me much like Tyson during the infamous "ear incident." (Yeah, when was the last time you heard a good Mike Tyson joke? Apparently not today, since that was awful. Blame it on the Theraflu.)
But the point is...I've been holed up inside my house, shuffling around in my super tight yoga pants that no one outside of my family will ever see me in, trying to find something to occupy my disease riddled body. So last night, I began watching the A&E version of "Pride & Prejudice" (don't even get me started on the Keira Knightley version. I will literally kill you. Literally? No, not literally. What's wrong with you?) right after finishing the "Fellowship of the Ring." And as my sister and I were watching, we came to the sudden realization that nearly every single person looks like Elijah Wood.
No. Stop and think about it.
Here's a reminder about what Elijah looks like:

















Moving on to "P&P"

Mr. Bingley? Check.















"I'm sorry, Bingley, I just can't look at you when you make that Elijah Wood face..."

Jane, the Bennet who entices Bingley (probably because they look like twins)? Check.











"I love my new twin bro- uh husband."



Daniel Radcliffe (who definitely isn't in "P&P")? Check.


















"Harry Potter could take down Frodo any day, you hobbit!"

This is just a brief sampling from the minds of The Sick and her sister.
Is there anyone else you can think of?
And no. Keira Knightley will never be included in this list.

If You're Creepy and You Know It Raise Your Hand

Ahhh Spring. When a young man's character turns to creepy.

They hoot and holler.
They bark and call...er.

These young caterpillars emerge from Winter hibernation in their new form.
Worms.
Creepy, crawly, icky worms that I would like to squash on the street corners they hang out on.

In distaste for these creatures, I have compiled a list of my favorite creepies from the land of Hollywood, each with their own take on creepy.

1. "I will make you my pet"
Crispin Glover as Willard Stiles
I don't think this needs further explanation. Who wants to wake up to this every morning? Although you probably would get fed lots of cheese, which I love...



















2. "I like to grovel and not shower"
Mr. Collins from the A&E Pride & Prejudice mini-series
Seen below in his signature shushing move:













"Shuuuussshhh, Mr. Collins."

3. "I don't mind making human sacrifices while playing the ukulele in tulip fields"
Tiny Tim

























"Oops, did I just kill the person whose grave I'm now standing on? Tee-hee! *twang twang*"

4. "I love my mother. Oh, and I'll kill you."
Norman Bates from "Psycho"
The real issue I have with Norman isn't the fact that he kills people. This guy has serious mother issues! I mean he takes "Momma's Boy" to a whole new level! Poor Norman. It's not his fault his mother coddled him as a child.




















I don't find this owl creepy. Just charmingly bizarre.

5. "All of my thoughts, actions, and orifices are dirty"
Pick any character any of these guys have ever played in any movie.
Except Paul Rudd. I find myself attracted to his nerdy roles.
Oh shut up.















"We're all thinking dirty thoughts...rawrrr..."

6. "I like to slither around and be overly effeminate while making awkward comments."
John Corbett as Pastor Dan in "Raising Helen"
or as Ian Miller in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"
or as Lars Hammond in "Serendipity"
or as John Corbett in "Real Life"

The worst part is that as I was looking for pictures, Google suggested "John Corbett shirtless."
Bleh! Seriously?? People seriously want to see this guy shirtless??














"I'm a sexy man of God, and I know it."

7. "No, not now. I'm brooding."
Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen
I realize I'm opening a can of worms with this one, but let me explain.
Book Edward is well-spoken, sweet, and clever.
Movie Edward is awkward, brooding, over-protective, and just plain weird.
I have no desire to ever be your spider monkey.

People really find this attractive?





















"I knew I forgot something when I got dressed this morning! At least I remembered my sexy wristband and hair product. "

My choice out of all of these?
Willard. I've always loved rats. Plus he would feed me cheese. How could that possibly go wrong?