Forever de Young

"Oh, so you're graduating pretty soon then, right? What are your plans for afterward? I mean, what are you planning on doing with your life?"

Yeah, that one doesn't get old. I know they just mean well (maybe) and just want to start a conversation (probably) and are just trying to deflect the attention from their own lives onto the imminent failure of my own (most likely). Yet that doesn't mean that question and its various forms don't find a way under my skin, mainly because I have no idea what I'm going to do. Also included in this are the disbelieving, almost pitying looks I receive when I say that I'm an English major who doesn't want to teach, but wants to write. This is usually followed by "So, what do you REALLY want to do? I mean, writing. Pfft. You could never make a living off that like, say, I am in my ultra-successful desk job that makes me want to jump off of the roof of a building."

I've never really been concerned about what I would do after graduation, but thanks to you wonderful conversationalists who so clearly have your own lives worked out, I feel an immense pressure to succeed.

I will therefore, become a painting impersonator. (How's THAT for a montrously ineffective transition?)

The best part is that this wasn't even planned. I just showed up and found my doppelganger all set and ready to be photographed.
I'm planning on adding more pictures I took at the museum later on when my computer isn't harassing me for being used.


In the meanwhile, don't save that cubicle next to you, dear office worker. I won't be there.

Scenes from: Life as a Vampire (Some with Slight Revisions)

Orthodontist: Wow. You've got some really pointy canines.
Adolescent Kelly: Ehhhhhhh, yes?
O: You know when we get these braces off, we can file those down for you.
AK: Oh. Uhhhh. No, thanks. I'll be needing those. *Fft Fft attack!*


Random Stranger: Dude! You have awesome vampire teeth!
Kelly: Yes, I do.
RS: Are those like, natural, or did you get them, like sharpened or something?
K: Yes, they are natural. Plus, I file them to a point on human neck-flesh every night when I feed. On an unrelated note, what's your address and do you have a particular time by which you know you'll be asleep tonight?
K: Mom, my throat really hurts this morning. Oh and I was up all night with a stomachache. Oh and I couldn't breathe. Oh and I want to die.
Mom: Well, do you think you're sick?
K: No, I think I'm probably allergic to something I ate. I felt like this the last time we ate out too.
M: Do you have any idea of what it could be? What you ate both times?
K: No, I mean except- Oh. My. Gosh.
M: What?
K: The Caesar Salad.
M: Why do you think it's that?
K: It has tons of............garlic. *audience gasp. hair flip. striking glance to camera. quick scene cut.*

Fin.

Until next time...
Farewell.
Lock your windows.
And be nice to me.
For your own good.

Shark Week: Middle of the Week

...I'm not ok with this.
The only thing scarier than river sharks are building sharks.

Shark Week: Day 1 (ish)

Anyone else want to see Batman host a Shark Week series?
Anyone?
Anyone?



On an only slightly related note...


Please be sure to note blue-knit-shirt-guy's nipple and belly button cut-outs.
Thank you and be sure to join us again next time for... WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?!

Kindergarten Lunch

I had to go to work right after church, so I packed myself a lunch.

It made me think about being in kindergarten, Room A-2 with Mrs. Key. Also, my hand-drawn hearts looked nothing like this when I was younger.

I remember the sun shining a lot like that too. Too bright and a little hazy.

I ate all my blueberries this time, though.
Of course not until after I ate my fruit snacks.

On Showering

Confession:
I hate showering. I do it, but I really really hate it. It just seems like such a monumental waste of time (unlike, say, blogging or having a Gilmore Girls marathon).

Don't get grossed out. I do it, and do it often. But I mean come on...who actually likes showering enough that they want to shower on an airplane?

"Designed for single-usage." Pfft. I'm so sure. You know how airplane people are.

Seriously. This isn't a joke. Alert perverse traveling men everywhere.

Dear in-flight shower creator,
You're an idiot.
Love,
Janet

Make Me a Movie

There are few books from my child that I would like to see made into movies, primarily because, well, they would be massacred. But since I've reverted back to my childhood reading level, I've started reading all my old Encyclopedia Brown books again. And honestly, I think they would make an awesome movie.

Now, I don't mean that I want a Nancy Drew sort of movie from a few years back, because frankly, it just wasn't as magical as it should have been.

Encyclopedia Brown would need to have that awesome, untainted 60's vibe. Not all modern and zazzly like they tried to make Nancy Drew. And by the way, Nancy was 18 years old and lived in the 1930's, so what are you doing with 14 year old girls in 2007? I'm so sorry the movie creators tried to fit you in there.
I've obviously been long-harboring this since...ok let's be honest...IT WAS AWFUL. Complete destruction of a classic character. And what is titian-haired Nancy Drew without an accurately plump Bess and athletic George? They made George, Georgie? I just don't...I can't....AUGH.
I'm still waiting for a real Nancy Drew to come out.

But back to my original rant...

Awe...look how cute his little flood pants and sweater are!

The only issue is that they would probably choose some well known child actor to play him and then I would have to revolt.
So, let's get on that, indie director/producer/movie creator that I know is out there somewhere.

On a related note...
Beezus and Ramona? Seriously? Ramona is the biggest beezy in all of children's literature. I would have strangled her and gladly accepted my life sentence in prison just to rid the world of her.

I'm going to make it my personal vendetta to torch all the movie reels when it comes out.