Napuation

I went to a graduation ceremony last night that was 2 1/2 hours long.
That's a long time, folks.
Sitting in a comfy seat in the dark watching "Lord of the Rings" for that long is one thing.
Sitting scrunched together, sweating and getting shushed every time you say something is another.
So as I lay in bed this morning, suffering the aftermath of an intense boredom hangover, I started wondering about who I would like to see speak at graduation.

(Let me be clear. All of the individual graduation events and speakers were wonderful. The combination of all of them in one sitting, however, was just to dang much.)

Han Solo:
He would look super sexy, have excellent one-liners, and probably shoot someone if they got out of line.

Michael Scott:
He would most likely offend someone, be really awkward, and conclude by having the entire audience applaud him off the stage. If we were really lucky, he would crowd surf. Don't forget about his ridiculous outfits, stance on drugs, the free computers he would promise, and "that's what she said" jokes.

Paula Abdul:
Drunk or cracked out. Either one is pretty self-explanatory. Plus all the grads would feel really good about themselves after she was done speaking and applauding them.
Sawyer from "LOST"/Grandpa Munster:
They would give all the grads (and possibly any disruptive audience members) new nicknames and just heckle them. These guys would be far more interesting for the audience than the grads, since it would probably end up being more like a roast.

Cpt. Quint:
He would be interesting as long as he told his shark tales. After that, you could just nap while he droned on and on and on and on and on...